Episode 101: Jason Segel transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 19 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, it's been a very long time since I worked with you guys in the 2011 Muppets ''movie." Scooter: "You know what they say, it brings back the memories." Cut to Kermit backstage...... Kermit: "Oh my gosh, I must introduce our guest star." Cut to the audience.... Hobo Joe: "Boy oh boy, this show's getting good around here." Toby: "We know, it's gonna be super thrilling." Olivia: "We're super lucky for them for doing this respectively." Ethan: "They got the stage props and scenery perfectly done." Stacy: "Just be lucky Kermit and everybody got everything prepared." Carl: "I agree here." Francesca: "So do I." Cut to Kermit appearing through ''The Super Muppet Telethon logo......... Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon with our very special guest star, Mr. Jason Segel, yaaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit: it's time to get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppet-ational this is where we do The Super Muppet Telethon....... Gonzo: Wake Up Call On Bugle Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome to The Super Muppet Telethon, that's exactly right, tonight's a very exciting night for the very 1st show tonight, 'cause tonight's special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he played the part of Gary Jones in our 2011 Muppets movie, but 1st, it's time for the opening musical number." Beauregard: "Hey, you guys, just for you to know, there's a toy wind-up robot in the hallway, and we'd better be very careful not to let it run away." Kermit: "Oh thanks for telling us that, Beauregard, but anyway, here's the opening musical number." Opening musical number: Jar of Hearts In Background Link Hogthrob: I know I can't take 1 more step '' ''towards you 'cause all that's waiting is regret Denise: don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore you lost the love I loved the most Link Hogthrob: I learned to live half alive and now you want me 1 more time Denise: who do you think you are? running 'round leaving scars Link Hogthrob: collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart Denise: you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul Link Hogthrob: so don't come back for me who do you think you are? Denise: I hear you're asking all around If I am anywhere '' ''to be found but I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms Link Hogthrob: I've learned to live '' ''half alive and now you want me '' ''1 more time Denise: who do you think you are? running 'round '' ''leaving scars collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart '' ''you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul so don't come back for me who do you think you are? Link Hogthrob: it took so long just to feel alright remember how to '' ''put back the light '' ''in my eyes Denise: I wish I had missed '' ''the 1st time '' ''that we kissed 'cause you broke '' ''all your promises and now '' ''you're back you don't get to get me back Denise: who do you think you are? running 'round '' ''leaving scars collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul don't come back for me don't come back at all Link Hogthrob: who do you think you are? running 'round '' ''leaving scars collecting your jar of hearts tearing love apart Denise: you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul don't come back for me don't come back at all Link Hogthrob: who do you think you are? Denise: who do you think you are? Link Hogthrob: who do you think you are? Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Statler: "I never heard about a jar filled with hearts before in my entire life." Waldorf: "And I never heard about a box of magic before in my entire life either." Statler: "True love in mid-air!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Breaking a grocery store window Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, just a few more, (Bean sits right on 1 of the stools.) perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "So, Patrol Bear, what can I do to help you out?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young rabbit was caught breaking a grocery store window." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name, please, young rabbit." Bean: "I'm Bean Bunny, and I would never do anything like that, honestly." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Bean's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Bean, it looks like you're innocent after all, you can let him go now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Officer Hogthrob: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "Bean's not a trouble maker after all." Statler: "He must've had all of that carrot coffee cake just then." Waldorf: "He would be hip hopping all over the place!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again..... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Ultrasonic Space Monster Destroyer Announcer: "And now it's time for Pig's in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well it seems like another day ahead of us." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day of Dr. Strangepork's inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "And speaking of which, it's my latest invention: the Ultrasonic Space Monster Destroyer." Link Hogthrob: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It makes every single space monster disappear for good." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Speaking of which, here comes 1 right now." Fozzie/Space Monster: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Dr. Strangepork: "I know just what to do." Dr. Strangepork zaps Fozzie/the space monster with the Ultrasonic Space Monster Destroyer and makes him disappear for good. Link Hogthrob: "Well that sure got rid of him." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Good riddance." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever take control of the weather pannel right before a great big rainstorm? does Link Hogthrob have plenty of comic jokes? can Dr. Strangepork keep evil space monsters away for good? find out in the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaace!" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "It's a super good thing space monsters don't exist in real life." Waldorf: "Werwolves, ghost figures and vampire critters don't exist in real life either." Statler: "They're just a myth!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably again Talk Spot: Discussing about how their jobs went in the 2011 Muppets movie Kermit: "Hey, uh, (Guest Star's 1st Name)? we'd like to thank you for everything you've done to help all of us get back together again, you knew we couldn't have done it without you here." Guest Star: "I know, you guys, it's been super thrilling working with all of you in that movie back in 2011." Jason Muppet Caricature: "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't exist." James Muppet Caricature: "Neither would I." Walter shows up and approaches Kermit, Scooter and the Guest Star...... Walter: "Oh my gosh, Gary, hey, what's happening, buddy? how's it going?" Guest Star: "Pretty good, Walter, but I think you're confusing me with the character that I played in the 2011 Muppets movie." Walter: "Oh sorry about that, (Guest Star's 1st Name), I didn't know about that." Guest Star: "That's alright, Walter, mistakes would sometimes happen." The Swedish Chef sketch number: cheese steak sub with green peppers and barbecue sauce Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, eet's gunna be cheese steek soob veet greee peppers und berbecooe sooce, yoommy guud, yoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot sume sleeces oof Emereecun cheese oon zee buttum Itelleeun breed pert." The Swedish Chef puts some slices of American cheese on the bottom Itallian bread part. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot sume steek choonks oon zee Emereecun cheese perts." The Swedish Chef puts some steak chunks on the American cheese parts. Swedish Chef: "Zen ve poot oon sume greee peppers," The Swedish Chef puts some green peppers on the steak chunks and American cheese parts. Swedish Chef: "zen sume berbecooe sooce," The Swedish Chef puts some barbecue sauce on the green pepper parts. Swedish Chef: "und feenelly, zee tup Itelleeun breed pert." The Swedish Chef puts the top Itallian bread part on the green peppers, steak chunks and American cheese parts. Swedish Chef: "Und here's a cheese steek soob veet greee peppers und berbecooe sooce." Disco Singing Cheese Steak Sub: Everybody dance now Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "That cheese steak sub sure is talented." Statler: "I prefer oven baked macaroni and cheese myself." Waldorf: "Snack foods of the entire month!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again At the Dance sketch number (the usual routine) Kermit's dancing it off with Miss Piggy, Fozzie's dancing it off with Doris, Gonzo's dancing it off with Camilla, Link Hogthrob's dancing it off with Denise, Floyd's dancing it off with Janice, Wayne's dancing it off with Wanda, George is dancing it off with Mildred Huxtetter and Rizzo's dancing it off with Yolanda. Rizzo: "So, Yolanda, how's de new automatic pizza cutta comin' along?" Yolanda: "It's coming along perfectly." Camilla: In Response Gonzo: "I do tell you, Camilla, it sure is a peaceful evening out there." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "I watched lots of dancing movies before in my entire life." Waldorf: "I just can't stop the beat." Statler: "Nobody can help it if they're dancing it off!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again..... Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Sports ''sketch number: Rubber darts and targets Louis Kazagger: "Welcome again, everybody, to the wild world of ''Muppet Sports, where I've heard that 1 of the contestants is about to throw rubber darts at those targets." The camera zooms in on Scooter, Bean and Walter who are about to throw rubber darts at the targets. Skeeter, Summer and Janice are the judges. Louis Kazagger: "Will they do it? will they succeed?" Scooter, Bean and Walter throw the rubber darts at the targets and they successfully hit the targets. Louis Kazagger: "They won the competition, they succeeded!" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I used to do rubber darts and targets in my younger years." Statler: "And I used to do eating contests in my younger years myself." Waldorf: "Those were the good old days!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Muppet News Flash: Disco dancing ducks Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "This just in, an army of disco dancing ducks are everywhere, they can cause disco dance fever, you must keep a sharp eye out for them or you're gonna get it." The Newsman suddenly gets disco dance fever. Newsman: "I think I spoke way too soon." Cut to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Walter as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “And so when I was takin’ a nice long walk on the beach, I looked between 2 big rocks and I found the biggest clam shell and thought it would make a real nifty music box.” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your clam jokes.” Janice/Nurse Janice: “So, Dr. Bob, who’s our patient this time?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Behold, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, observe and watch.” Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Walter as the patient. Walter: A Bit “Why did I ever get this spring cold?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Hey, what happened to you here?” Walter: “Well, I was watering the plants at my house, and suddenly, I began developing these cough and sneeze attacks.” Janice/Nurse Janice: “Oh bummer, like, that’s not a good situation.” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “What you need to do is take plenty of liquids and pills and a lot of bed rest.” Walter: “Easy for you to say.” Announcer: “Will Nurse Janice ever keep control with every single patient? does Nurse Piggy know what she’s doing? will Dr. Bob ever use his Dr. tools properly? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-” Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “So, Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?” Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Well, Nurse Piggy, I say he’s very nauseated.” Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "I sure hope Walter gets better from his spring cold." Waldorf: "And I sure hope he doesn't lose any of his arms or legs during a surgery." Statler: "We'll make sure he doesn't smell terrible and horrible!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Boing Sneakers Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our newest invention: Boing Sneakers, (brief pause), now these sneakers can really put a jump in your step, they'll be able to help you jump right up into mid-air and get things from those hard to reach places, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker here, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to Beaker) go ahead, Beaker, try them on." Beaker tries on the Boing Sneakers. Beaker: Mee, mee! Bunsen: "Watch what happens." Beaker begins jumping up and down, then suddenly hits the roof. Crash! Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, when are you ever gonna get down from there?" Beaker: Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "I've seen elevator shoes in a comedy science fiction movie." Statler: "And I've seen a flying golf club in a television show myself." Waldorf: "Super scientific!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit backstage again...... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Gonzo, Fozzie, Walter and Scooter for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: I believe I can Fly In Background Gonzo: I used to think '' ''that I could '' ''not go on and life was '' ''nothing '' ''but an awful song Fozzie: but now I know '' ''the meaning of true love I'm leaning on '' ''the everlasting arms Scooter: if I can see it '' ''then I can do it if I just believe it there's nothing to it Gonzo: I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day '' ''spread my wings and fly away Fozzie: I believe I can soar I see me running through '' ''that open door Scooter: I believe I can fly '' Walter: ''I believe I can fly Gonzo: I believe I can fly Scooter: see I was '' ''on the verge of breaking down sometimes silence can '' ''seem so loud there are powers in life '' ''I must achieve but 1st I know '' ''it starts inside of me Gonzo: if I can see it '' ''then I can be it if I just believe it '' ''there's nothing to it Fozzie: I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day spread my wings and fly away Gonzo: I believe I can soar I see me running through '' ''that open door Walter: I believe I can fly Scooter: I believe I can fly Fozzie: oh I believe I can fly Scooter: hey 'cause '' ''I believe in me Walter: if I can see it '' ''then I can do it Fozzie: i''f I just believe it'' there's nothing to it '' (spoken) "Hey." Gonzo: ''I believe I can fly '' ''I believe I can touch the sky I think about it '' ''every night and day spread my wings '' ''and fly away Fozzie: I believe I can soar I see me running through '' ''that open door Walter: I believe I can fly Fozzie: I believe I can fly Scooter: I believe I can fly (spoken) "Hey." Gonzo: if I just spread my wings '' '' I can fly........ Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once gain....... Statler: "I wish I had a jet plane to fly around in." Waldorf: "Why do you need that?" Statler: "So I can get outta here super fast." Waldorf: "That's the fastest way of speed travel!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, for being here tonight, it's been such a lovely evening for you and me and everybody, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name ), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage........ Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch for having me on the show with you guys tonight, it's been such a thrilled honor being here with all of you." Wayne: "This sure is a super lovely evening." Wanda: "It most certainly is." Skeeter: "Can't get enough of everything around here." Kermit: "But anyhow, we'll see you next time on The Super Muppet Telethon." End production credits Directed by James Bobin Produced by Nicholas Stollar Screenplay written by Dan Fogelman Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers Credits Matt Vogel Eric Jacobson '' ''Dave Goelz Bill Barretta David Rudman Peter Linz '' ''Julianne Buescher Stephanie D'abruzzo John Tarteglia '' '' '''' Category:The Super Muppet Telethon season 1 episode scripts